Friday, August 11, 2017

Comments are now Open! Be Gentle!

When the dark cloud starts rolling back out and a depressed person is once again able to eat and sleep and maybe see what tomorrow brings it is hard to describe. It's kind of like being a werewolf! the morning comes and you find yourself naked somewhere and you wonder what you did the night before.

In my case I wrote three blog posts to chronicle the experience and the feelings and shared some deeply personal feelings I don't really feel comfortable sharing. I never get past my overall disgust and contempt for people in general. I never pretend to suddenly care when in fact I don't. I live because my sweet wife of almost 24 years needs me. It gives me a reason to go on. Basically that is all I care about at this point.

This blog started when my wife went in the hospital after a series of strokes. She was going to die from stage 4 heart failure. They gave her more life with a newly developed biventricular ICD device. She has had it in her chest for 5 years and has 2 1/2 years of battery life left on the current one. Anyway, she was dying and I was going crazy so I started blogging so I wouldn't lose my mind. Most of the original followers are still with me and some of them have become dear friends.

After my wife recovered some what,  I continued to blog because I enjoyed the break from taking care of my wife and I enjoyed having folks to visit with. Taking care of a severely ill person takes it's toll on you. Every little sound and your eyes open. I swear I don't think I slept at all for about a year. The blog became about my observations, things I was doing, things that interested me, things I found amusing. I didn't know I would still be doing it 6 years later. My wife is doing OK. She needs oxygen at night and is easily affected by pollen and dust. Overall her lung function has improved and she was also stage 4 with emphysema , she is stage 3 again. That is better.

Anyway, I am getting it back together and I guess I'll open up comments again. I will not respond to trolls and hateful people. I didn't die and there are those who wish I had. They go to church, can you believe it?

go ahead, talk to me.......

21 comments:

  1. Please do all you can to stay out of that ditch you sometimes get into, my friend. Don't forget...you got some folks out here pulling for you.
    Bigfoot

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  2. Depression is a strong enemy. I know that from personal experiences. Welcome back. Those little trips to the dark side are never fun.

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    1. Thanks for the understanding words! You are a good friend...

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  3. Depression is indeed a hirrorific state to be in. I understand and can sympathize as I have had depression myself. Even though it does not feel like it will ever get better when you are in the midst of a depression, try to always keep in mind that it WILL eventually go into a lull. It is a matter of brain chemistry. You may already have these medications, but if not, SRUI's like Prozac or Zoloft can, if taken consistently, reduce the depths of despair you feel in many cases of depression. They may be worth considering if you have not done so before.

    With your disabilities, this may not be possible, but for me, I find hard physical exertion helpful in making depression less intense. I now run 5 miles a day, and it really helps me have closer to an even keel in terms of emotions. Perhaps there is some type of physical exertion you CAN do given your other physical limitations that can help?

    With you mentioning you had liver issues, unfortunately a few belts of whisky is not really a good idea as it will only aggravate other illnesses. I have found it helpful on occasion (but my liver is ok). Even though I have no experience with it, I do know that medical Marijuana is reported to have a quelling effect on depression. You told me your state has it. It still might be worth considering because if it works for you, it is a helluva lot better than depression. You mentioned worry about your federal income.... I think the risk to that is very, very low given your state's legality of medical marijuana.

    I wish there was more I could offer. Depression can only be managed, not cured. But, please keep trying. Suicide is never a good answer. It hurts so very many people you love.

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    1. Run 5 miles! ha ha You are lucky! I can walk from the side of my bed to the bathroom without my cane! Maybe 15 feet! I've tried all the uptake inhibitors. I'm afraid I value my mind (only thing I have left that works) to much to go zombie! Pot. Never really cared much for it. I like alcohol and prescription opioids when given a choice. I quit taking hydrocodone because I really started to like it. For nerve pain I take gabapentin and for ortho pain I take methocarbamol. For depression I listen to classical music with headphones so I can have it loud and in a few hours sitting in the dark, the fog begins to lift. thank you for your input and suggestions and concern.

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    2. I had a severe case of hepatitis and was told not to drink at all. I have judiciously ignored that advice! moderation is key. I don't get crazy and require bail money in my old age! ha ha ha I could tell you some stories. I shot pool in biker bars for free drinks for decades! Hey, I'm still here!

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    1. Do you speak any Italian? Fin qui tutto bene! If I remember correctly that means so far, so good! ha ha ha. Life is hard, if your faith makes it easier for you then by all means embrace it whole heartedly. thanks for your kind words. You have a good heart!

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  5. Glad to hear you're doing better Sir. Wishing you a cheerful day & a sleep filled night!
    ~J

    p.s. - I keep meaning to ask- what does BFYTW mean? I can usually figure stuff like that out, but I'm stumped...

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    1. thank you for your kind words. BFYTW Stands for "because, fuck you! that's why" ha ha ha! Hey, you asked!

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  6. Well Rat, I dunno what to say.

    You're a big boy and you know the score. You can choose God or the abyss and it looks like you've made your choice. That's the thing about life lesser men never seem to get: everything in life, right up to and including slavery - is a choice. I can't really find it in my intellect to feel sorry for ya, personally - but your Maker will deal with you and I as He sees fit. I go to church, honour my wife and neighbours and life is good. You could learn from my example, actually...

    Good luck old fella!

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    1. Thank you for your well wishes. That's about all I am going to say. No more arguments. I don't have the energy.

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  7. I'm glad you're feeling a little better today Mr. Rat. I'm having a good day today, it's after 1500 & nothing has gone wrong yet!
    It can be done!

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    1. thanks! sometimes I expect large buckets of crap to fall out of the sky!

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  8. Glad you have come out of life's septic tank. I was worried you'd do something stupid especially with no comments being allowed. I can't offer any cures as I also have one foot in the septic tank but just deal with it the best I can.

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    1. thanks Mike. At least I still have a big pecker! ha ha

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  9. I was wondering why I couldn't comment. lol
    Glad that your wife is doing better than they first expected. Hope you're doing well today.

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  10. You've shared some very dark moments which I've just read, and I offer my compassion. I'm glad you pulled through. Hope the days ahead give you some comfort and peace from it all.

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    1. I have occasional bouts with the darkness but I bounce back. At least so far! thanks so much for your kindness, you have been a good friend to me and a loyal reader of two cents worth.

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