Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Most honest thing I have ever written! Be warned, it is a little rough!

Hello everyone! Well, I haven't been to bed yet from yesterday. The pain wouldn't let me sleep and then I made the mistake of "thinking" to much and the depression rolled in like a bad thunderstorm! The darkness envelops you like a huge blanket and it is tempting to just close your eyes and die. But death won't come on it's own! So you try real hard while you lie there staring at the ceiling to not think about the pistol in the nightstand with a full clip. Pull back the action, jack in a round, hold it up to the side of your head and squeeze all your problems and your pain away.

But like so many times before you don't do it. Maybe next time, you think to yourself. I am such a god damned coward! Afraid to try and live and more afraid to die. I don't expect to wake up at the Pearly Gates for judgment so don't ask me why the prospect of being no more is so frightening. Perhaps that is just built into a person on some cellular level. The desire to live even though life offers nothing to make you want to stay.

How is this for a new post in a new year of blogging? I read  the other blogs about sweet grand babies and visits with the kids and how happy it makes everyone to be together as a family. I wish I had that. I have grown up grandchildren I have never met! Cheated out of everything by that lying whore of an ex wife! My kids and their wives and children  all get together at grandma's house for Thanksgiving and Christmas! Worship the ground that lying, cheating whore walks on. They all hate me. I come home after being gone 5 months and the wife is 4 months pregnant! Somehow it is my fault that while I was gone some other man's cock just accidently fell into my wife's pussy and got her pregnant!  But that is alright. It was all my fault. God damned near every bad thing that has happened since I was born has been my god damned fault! I am used to being to blame.

She has been married two more times since me. Divorced now I hear. 4 husbands and it was never her fault. Must be nice. I Can't take any more pills. Got to be clear headed enough to take care of the wife I have now if she calls out! I wish this hell would end. I wish I would end. I am so sick and tired. Nothing I do is good enough.  Never has been. I just want it to be over.