Thursday, August 10, 2017

Part 2 of my earlier post. Warning still pretty rough.

The last time I posted about the darkness rolling in and talked about depression the trolls swarmed and I was encouraged to "pull the trigger" and "quit whining and just do it!"  People I don't know, who I have never met wanted to see me die! What is wrong with this world? What is wrong with humanity?

Well, I'll just go with what I know. The darkness has lots of room for all of us! When hope is gone, when the fantasy ends, when you finally realize that everything you thought was wrong or more importantly didn't matter and never did, the darkness is waiting. Some of you more intellectual types will try and impress everyone with lofty sounding phrases like "existential crisis".

Well, you can dress it up anyway you choose but the abyss is real. The darkness is real. The end is real. All the wishful thinking in the world won't change reality. Some of the trolls who anxiously awaited my death claim to be religious! Instead of  forgiveness and mercy and compassion they only read the part about condemnation  and judgment and being self righteous. No one can be as cruel as a self righteous hypocrite religious fanatic who justifies their rage by treating it like "indignation" instead. According to them I am merely reaping what I have sown. Fuck them and fuck their stupid vengeful god.

I prayed my ass off when my mother got dementia and spent the last six years of her life not knowing who I was. I prayed my ass off when my step son got cancer and I watched while it slowly killed him . Where was god when my daughter died!  I prayed my ass off when my 49 year old wife had a stroke, had to learn to talk over again, had to learn to walk all over again. Watched her tear up, watched her sob while her fucking miserable family treated her like shit!  Finally, I realized that out there in the darkness, no one is listening to your prayers. No one is home! God didn't die. He was never real!

Surrounded by the thick black darkness my sweet wife is the only light. My reason for putting up with all the vile crap of life. The reason I don't squeeze the trigger and put an end to this joke they call living. When you live inside my mind you don't give a good god damn about the things that usually matter to people. I have other priorities. When you know the abyss is waiting, nothing can scare you anymore.