Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Being depressed is not what you think!

It has been suggested that I write about my depression more instead of less. Perhaps some therapeutic benefit can be gained from such introspective posts, perhaps some understanding can be gained by the readers into an area that is a mystery to most.


These are the feelings I experience. Others might express their feelings differently.

Depression is not feeling sad or "down in the dumps". Everyone feels that periodically. Depression is for all practical purposes dying while alive! You could literally go sit down and die!  Ever had transmission trouble? Try and put it into gear and it just won't go! Something like that. You are stuck in neutral!

Anger, sadness, regret, guilt, and all the other negative emotions are things you feel on the way to depression and on your way back. When you are depressed you feel nothing. You are numb. That is the darkness. The abyss. You have a sense of heaviness. The weight of the world on your shoulders if you want to be dramatic about it.

More like a large block of concrete chained to your feet as you sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness. Now for the real scary part! When you are in the darkness, you are safe. No one is pointing an accusatory finger at you! No one is blaming you. No one is hating you. You have disappeared. It is like death. Peaceful in a way. It is the journey there that is full of pain. The journey back is even more painful. The peace and the numb feeling becomes a thing to be desired. The coward's way out.

Living requires courage and energy and strength. You have run out. You are just plain tired of it all

Depression for me is giving up.

the rat

2 comments:

  1. From my own experience (which of course may be quite different than your own), I too have experienced a void or an abyss state. And, I agree it did feel "better" than the slide into it or the struggle out of it. But what I found useful for me was that I could still recall the times in my life where I was happy even though at that time they were only a distant memory. And, for me, I could still feel how the pit of the abyss was NOT anywhere as good as the happy times even though it was safe compared to trying to struggle out. For me, seeing that dichotomy gave me enough of a push to be willing to risk the HUGE effort to try my damndest to struggle out of the void/abyss. It was truthfully many times harder to struggle and struggle to try to get out of the abyss, and I failed numerous times. But I guess my inherent personality is too damn stubborn, and because I didn't really see anything else I COULD do.... I kept trying over and over again to struggle out of it.

    Not sure if this makes any sense or not, but it does state what I tried. I am not sure if I am really "out" of the depression fully yet or still struggling to get out. I do not feel the joy I used to, so probably not, but I am not in the abyss either... and it is frightening and hard at times... but for me... I guess I CAN say that I do take some comfort in STRUGGLING to try to get out.

    I hope this may be helpful for you, and not just bullshit. It does represent as well as I can figure out how to say, where I am at.

    PipeTobacco

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    Replies
    1. I get what you are saying. You are fighting the tug. Two steps forward and one backwards. Basically the story of my life. I have a wife who makes the sun shine for me! I would have departed or at the least shuffled off this mortal coil long ago but for her presence in my life. She is why I don't give in the allure of the darkness. We can become good friends as long as you are straight with me. You don't need to hide here. I protect the gate. I can't conceal my pain and anguish. When my intolerance makes me an insufferable ass! Take that for what it is worth. It is the closest thing to an apology I can offer.

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