It has been suggested that I write about my depression more instead of less. Perhaps some therapeutic benefit can be gained from such introspective posts, perhaps some understanding can be gained by the readers into an area that is a mystery to most.
These are the feelings I experience. Others might express their feelings differently.
Depression is not feeling sad or "down in the dumps". Everyone feels that periodically. Depression is for all practical purposes dying while alive! You could literally go sit down and die! Ever had transmission trouble? Try and put it into gear and it just won't go! Something like that. You are stuck in neutral!
Anger, sadness, regret, guilt, and all the other negative emotions are things you feel on the way to depression and on your way back. When you are depressed you feel nothing. You are numb. That is the darkness. The abyss. You have a sense of heaviness. The weight of the world on your shoulders if you want to be dramatic about it.
More like a large block of concrete chained to your feet as you sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness. Now for the real scary part! When you are in the darkness, you are safe. No one is pointing an accusatory finger at you! No one is blaming you. No one is hating you. You have disappeared. It is like death. Peaceful in a way. It is the journey there that is full of pain. The journey back is even more painful. The peace and the numb feeling becomes a thing to be desired. The coward's way out.
Living requires courage and energy and strength. You have run out. You are just plain tired of it all
Depression for me is giving up.